I've struggled like crazy with my sketchbook for the longest time, since 2021 I think? After I finished my illustration degree in 2018 I had art block for a while and started to doubt if I even wanted to pursue illustration anymore. But it didn't last long and from about October of that year on wards I'd already come out of it and was making some of the best art I've ever drawn, stuff I still look at and feel amazed that I actually did that all these years later. I stayed in this groove up until Covid, and during these two years I managed to complete 4 sketchbooks that I'm still really proud of - especially considering I'd never completely filled even one sketchbook cover to cover before that! I think Covid killing my motivation was coincidental rather than the actual cause. I was living in Japan and we never went into a full lockdown like the rest of the world so I continued working the whole time, but there were still a lot of limits in place for what to do outside of that which left me with a lot of downtime in which to ponder. And I think this pondering was my downfall, because when you've studied an illustration degree and are happily drawing every single day without a single ounce of art block and are really happy with your style, I think it's kind of natural for your mind to immediately drift to turning it into your career after all. So I spent my time looking up social media strategies, building a portfolio, the kinds of things art directors are looking for, and learning what kind of stuff I should be doing instead of what I wanted to be doing - and suddenly I had art block again.
Because I had been drawing so much I had a good amount of completed work to share on social media, but because of everything I'd read and been instructed to do for engagement (🤢) I scheduled those posts up instead of posting them organically like I normally would, and that actually had a negative effect on my social media that I'm still feeling the knock on effects of today because it made it something performative and passive rather than something I was actively engaging with. I also shared my completed sketchbooks that I was so proud of, and I regret that to this day as it turned my creative, private, practice play space into something performative that had to be created for consumption.
There's a quote I've always really liked from the short story The Body by Stephen King, and I know this might seem out of left field but please trust me, it's relevant:
“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understand what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.”
Although it's about writing it applies to art as well, and that's how I felt sharing my sketchbooks, they were full of my important things that lied too close to where my secret heart is buried. They may look like silly little drawings to most, but even drawing fan art of characters that mean the world to you is an act of love, and can feel incredibly vulnerable to offer up to whoever's looking. When you look at my artwork you can't see what I see because you don't know what I was trying to convey when I drew it, you can only project and infer your own meaning. And that's great! That's whats powerful about art! But it's also what makes being an artist feel incredibly vulnerable because there are people who just won't get it, so you get cagey about the things you do share to make sure it's palatable and won't be misunderstood and has broad appeal. And suddenly my sketchbooks couldn't be something personal or even silly, they had to be books of completed art that looked perfect on every single page (but not too perfect as it still has to be relatable!) that I could share up to the masses afterwards. And I never completed another sketchbook again after that, as not only was that kind of pressure completely paralysing but unsurprisingly my passion had entirely vanished with it.
Ever since I've kept starting sketchbooks and then abandoning them as I hate what I've done as it all feels so forced, or I just can't relate to it anymore as the breaks in-between each page are so long. And I realized that it was all stemming from my perfectionism which is what's been paralysing me, so instead of starting another new sketchbook I just taped the old pages together in one big clump so I don't have to look at them anymore and having that imperfection right at the very beginning of the book has been strangely motivating! Like the book is already 'ruined' so I may as well just draw whatever.
So I drew Papa V Perpetua over the weekend in ballpoint pen. It's not great, I didn't even bother to finish his hands as they're metal and reflective and I was losing the will to live after all of the detail in his outfit. I was going to put a sticker over that bit, but I realized it doesn't even matter. It's my sketchbook, it doesn't have to be good so long as I have a good time drawing it, which I did. It just feels so good to have started something again, and I can't explain why but it does feel different this time and I think having 'ruined' the front of the sketchbook is a major part of why. Only time will tell I guess, but I absolutely won't be sharing my whole sketchbook this time beyond a few pages I photograph here and there!
I recently bought a sketchbook from Walgreens, trying to get back into the habit of drawing again. I am also trying to largely keep this one to myself, too, for the same reasons. It's nice to have part of yourself back again, and to also have it for yourself like that.
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