Dreams aren't what they used to be

It occurred to me last night that it's been a whole year since I left Korea. In fact a year ago to the day that I'm posting this, 27 May 2023, was my first full day in Japan after doing a midnight run from Korea the day before. Korea was genuinely traumatic, a term I don't use lightly, and not an experience I like to talk about. Mostly because when you've been bullied, harassed, and manipulated, for some reason people who were never there and have no experience of the culture still want to gaslight and victim blame - especially with peoples current romanticized ideals of Korea thanks to their pop culture.

By contrast, Japan is one of my favourite places that I've ever been to, and somewhere I've never ever felt unsafe. I lived there before Korea, and the experiences couldn't have been more different. When I needed to escape Korea, Japan felt like a safe haven. The trip ended up being a very strange experience as I'd had grand plans of having a proper vacation with each and every day itinerized, but it didn't happen like that in the end. After living in survival mode for 7 months I physically and emotionally crashed and just wanted to seek comfort in my old haunts in Tokyo that were familiar to me, and I'm so thankful to Japan for being so kind to me and that I got to have the opportunity to heal there. And I'm actually not regretful of my time in Korea even though it was such a negative one. There's a Walt Disney quote that says "You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." and that's how I feel about it now as it encouraged me to re-evaluate my trajectory and what's actually important to me, and gave me the courage to do it.

Like I said, May 27 was my first full day in Japan. The previous night had been spent in a capsule hotel, and the night before that was spent in the terminal of Incheon Airport, so I spent that Sunday drifting around Shinjuku waiting to check into my hotel. I went to Tokyu Hands and comfort bought some stationery, explored the new Disney Store that had opened up in the two years since I'd last been, had my favourite 7-Eleven curry in my hotel room (konbini meals are next level!) and I was asleep in bed by 6pm, where I stayed for the next 12 hours completely crashed out. And maybe that all sounds a little sad, but honestly it was bliss.

Here are some photos from that trip. It was spent entirely in Tokyo, with some day excursions to the Disney Parks. I also had a Kodak Ektar H35 which I'd bought in Korea. It's a film camera that takes half frame photos, and I've included some of those too. I've seen people use these cameras to take beautifully synchronized photos that compliment each other on either side and mine are not that. Part of what I enjoy about film photography is the naivety and instant film vibes. As soon as you put pressure on yourself for it to look a certain way the joy of the hobby is dead - plus I intended to cut the photos up anyway as the half frame aspect appealed to me as a better size for journaling (and I've also included some photos of my travel journal)

I fought myself about it the whole trip, but I ended up going back for the raccoon binder ♥


This sign from Journey To The Center Of The Earth always feels very poignant to me. Life truly is an astounding journey.

Vampires will never hurt you

Whitby will always be very special to me. It's a sleepy old seaside town in North Yorkshire rich with history, and where Bram Stoker was inspired to set part of Dracula - it's where the ship Demeter transporting the vampire crashes into the shore of England, and where Lucy and Mina are vacationing. Whitby is also famous for it's jet, which is my personal favourite gemstone so I always enjoy trying to find some along the sea shore.

It had been storming all week, so the dramatic weather made for a very gloomy atmosphere which felt perfect. Unfortunately it made it too wet to sit and draw or journal as I'd have liked, but it was still a really lovely day. Although I've been to Whitby a few times I discovered the Lewis Carroll Garden which I'd never seen before, and I also got to see the old swing bridge in action. The tide was in for most of the day, so I stayed until the evening and managed to find two of the largest pieces of jet I've ever found so far (which may not look that big to you, but this stuff is rare to locate!) and was followed by the most beautiful big golden full moon on the drive home.

The big pieces of jet. Like I said, it's hard to find! I also found a huge hag stone, which are considered magical amulets in British folklore to ward off curses, witchcraft, and other ne’er-do-wells - only good fortune can pass through the hole as bad luck and evil thoughts are too large and get stuck. People used to believe that magic can't work on moving water, so the holes of the hag stone made naturally by the sea became symbols of protection. When you also factor in the vampire lore of Whitby where it was found, I think that's kind of cool!

"Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.”

I really wanted to write about Watership Down by Richard Adams, I read it for the first time this year and I'm still not done thinking about it every waking moment. I haven't felt as invested in a book in forever, when I wasn't reading it I couldn't stop thinking about it and now I'm genuinely sad that it's over. I've seen the film many times before so knew what to expect, but the book just hit so much different and I love it deeply. This is not just a book about bunnies. I mostly read horror, and this was a lot darker in places!

“Animals don't behave like men,' he said. 'If they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill they kill. But they don't sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures lives and hurting them. They have dignity and animality.”

I don't know what made me pick up the novel, I just saw it in the bookshop and figured that maybe I would like it as it aligns with my interests. Oh boy! I had no idea! I think because it's labeled as childrens fiction it's easy to overlook and underestimate it. There are layers to this book that children will miss, themes and allegory that won't carry the same impact. Calling it a childrens book is just flawed, and I think it got designated as such because 1970s publishers just couldn't conceive of a fantastical novel with a society of rabbits as anything but 'for kids' regardless of the rest of the content of the book. For some reason rabbits have suffered the fate of being relegated as content for babies which is not only absurd for a live animal, but often what gets them abused or even killed as they end up being given to small children by people with no idea of how to care for it's needs, or really even any knowledge of what a rabbit is beyond 'cute'. It's a serious issue far beyond a book being mis-genred.

While it is about rabbits, the characters were based on real people Richard Adams served with in WWII, and it makes you not only identify with but admire some of the most overlooked creatures on the planet. I loved the rich inner workings of the rabbits world, learning about their language, mythology, culture, and hierarchies. All of the characters felt so real to me, their way of life and belief system so plausible. I saw a review stating that "you quickly overlook the level of intelligence and humanity attributed to the dumb rabbits" which really irked me as it feels so arrogant. It's always struck me as strange that just because humans aren't privy to other creatures inner workings, they assume animals have less depth of thought and action.

“All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.”

“I am sorry for you with all my heart. But you cannot blame us, for you came to kill us if you could.”

I'd seen the movie adaptation before I read the book, but I never really connected with it in the same way, and re-watching it after I finished the novel I could tell why. Richard Adams said that the film was good but it wasn't his rabbits, and I'm inclined to agree. There's no heart to it like there is in the book, events happen to the characters and they move on, it's all too quick so neither the viewer nor the rabbits ever sit with any of it. Hazel acts like a leader from the first scene in the movie, and he takes control as soon as they leave the warren without any of the care and attention he gives the others in the novel. Book Hazel doesn't want to be chief rabbit, he doesn't consider himself capable, it's the other rabbits who make him so because he's always considering their needs and safety and is loyal to the end. So the Hazel of the movie feels arrogant and a smart ass by comparison. It is a good film though, and I do admire the art direction and the risks they took in portraying the violence (it suffers the same fate of the novel though in that it was never meant to be a kids film, but because it was an animation distributors slapped a U/G rating on it regardless and traumatized a generation. The rating has since been updated to PG to account for all of the blood and violence, and Richard Adams next book The Plague Dogs which was also animated never had the same mix up despite being about talking dogs. Funny that.)

Anyway, this is one of my favourite books now and I can't stop thinking about it. It doesn't matter if you read it as an adventure story, an allegory, or a commentary on society, it manages to be all of those things and more, it's so captivating and intricately told. I love this book, and I love it's characters so much.

“To come to the end of a time of anxiety and fear! To feel the cloud that hung over us lift and disperse—the cloud that dulled the heart and made happiness no more than a memory! This at least is one joy that must have been known by almost every living creature.”

(Photos of my new-to-me vintage 1976 edition beautifully illustrated by John Lawrence)

I talk to the wind, my words are all carried away

I know it probably seems a bit redundant to be starting a blog in the year 2024, but honestly I just miss it. I don't enjoy the shift social media has taken towards video content and never have - I'm an illustrator and hobbyist photographer, so the still image has always been important to me, and I just enjoy writing. I like the slower pace, I like being able to take my time and select my words and think a little more about what I'm saying and putting out into the world instead of just word vomiting to my phone camera. I'm an introvert and so much of social media nowadays makes me uncomfy, and I feel like it's forcing me to be someone I'm not.

Although blogging might seem out of date nowadays, it is still around but for some reason we don't call it that anymore. Substack? As far as I can see that's blogging. Updating your Patreon with what you've been up to lately is blogging. Having an email newsletter of stuff you've been enjoying lately is blogging.

I feel like when people hear "blogging" they think of the glossy blogs; of women taking editorial style photos of their designer outfits, of 'influencing'. I grew up with Rookie Magazine, and one of my favourite aspects of Rookie was always the comment section where girls would leave links to their own blogs which were messy and raw and real. I made so many friends that way, and that's the blogging I miss. It was like reading someone's journal, or zine, without the pretence or clout chasing that goes into social media nowadays. No one was trying to be anything, we just were, and there was a genuine earnestness. And I would like that back, even if it's a little uncool now. Be the change you wish to see I guess.

I should probably start by introducing myself.

My name is Sadie, and I'm an illustrator. I'm a massive introvert and romantic and my ideal day is spent drawing, reading, and daydreaming. I love journaling and stationery and I get excited about paper. I'm passionate about musical theatre, something I love with my whole entire heart. My favourite show is Wicked because I'm not pretentious enough to pretend it's something you haven't heard of. I discovered it in 2018 and it helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and helped me find joy again. I've seen it in London and on Broadway, where I also met my favourite actor Aaron Tveit and had the opportunity to give him a piece of my artwork.

I love creating in almost all of it's forms: I'm a beginner knitter and crocheter, I book bind, I build websites. I also sew and have an interest in vintage clothing, Japanese street fashion, and historical costuming. Most of my wardrobe is either handmade, vintage, or from Japanese brands. I also enjoy photography, although not from a technical perspective. I enjoy the art form of snapping memories and catching pictures of things that people forget to notice. My idea of fun includes rooting through junk shops, wandering through nature, watching horror movies, and making weirdly specific playlists. I like the colour yellow, autumn, whimsy, Moomins, Disney parks, raccoons, folk tales, and anything spooky and atmospheric.

I enjoy travelling, although it's something I get to do very rarely due to the expense of it all. I've spent some time both living and working in Japan and South Korea. Korea was traumatizing (and I don't want to talk about it), but I enjoyed Japan very much and consider it my second home.

My music taste is quite eclectic and mostly consists of show tunes, 1960s-70s rock, with some 00's metal thrown in. Some of my favourite musicians are My Chemical Romance, Ghost, Pink Floyd, Donovan, Mika, The Zombies, David Bowie, King Crimson, Small Faces, and Cat Stevens. I collect CDs and secondhand vinyl, and one of my favourite pastimes is digging through dusty crates in old record stores and junk shops. I also love reading and getting lost in other worlds; some of my favourite authors are Richard Adams, Lewis Carroll, Stephen King, Tove Janssen, L Frank Baum, AA Milne, Shirley Jackson, and George Orwell. My all time favourite books are Watership Down, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and Misery.

I love aesthetics. I love decorating my home and creating a space where I feel happy. Something I've had to learn is that you can make anywhere your home. It's up to you to find joy wherever you are. I'm disabled (hEDS) struggle with my mental health, but I try not to forget that there's so much good in this world. I know that I'm ignorant about a lot of things but I am so excited to learn what I can.

“So perhaps the best thing to do is to stop writing Introductions and get on with the book.” - AA Milne