You've got the teeth of the hydra upon you

I feel like if I don't shout about this movie I'm going to explode, it's occupying 100% of my brain at all times and has me in an absolute chokehold. And I'm not mad about it because honestly it's been far too long since I've felt this strongly about anything and it's single-handedly curing my depression.

(source)

To tell you the truth, I wasn't much keen on Longlegs the first time I saw it. I took issue with the supernatural elements, and wished it had been more of a psychological horror and more ambiguous. But it lingered in my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about it until I had to go see it again, and again. And every time I've been to the movie theatre I feel like I'm discovering something new about it and noticing more details, and to me that's the absolute best kind of movie. Things that previously didn't make sense to me, or seemed like plot holes on first watch suddenly make complete sense.

I really love that this movie is just as much about trauma as it is anything else, which isn't an aspect I'm seeing brought up enough. The writer/director Oz Perkins wanted to make this film based on his own familial experiences with his parents keeping secrets from him and his brother as they were growing up (his father is actor Anthony Perkins) and carrying the burden of those choices and forever searching for answers that can't ever be found, and it's woven into the story masterfully. The main protagonist, FBI Agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe) is very realistically portrayed as having C-PTSD, and is arguably neurodivergent in addition. From her social inadeptness, to not being able to remember elements of her childhood and having blind spots towards certain things that are happening around her - obviously in the film this is caused by the doll, but it's also a very common side effect of growing up with trauma as it impairs your development. Her mother, Ruth, is a hoarder which is another common way for trauma to manifest, and I loved the detail of her wearing the same crochet cardigan that she wears in the flashbacks, a literal representation of her attempting to cling to the version of herself pre-trauma, but it's unraveling and tatty much like Ruth herself. All of the characters are absolutely devastating, and I really enjoyed this aspect because while mental illness is often an overused trope in the genre, in this movie it's the result of the horror rather than the cause.

It's obvious that even Longlegs himself is suffering immensely, and he's my absolute favourite part of this movie. There is such a sense of tragedy about him, and I've loved reading articles with Perkins and Nic Cage going into the background and inspiration of the character. This man who sold his soul to the devil for reasons unknown, is stalked by the devil while he stalks his own victims, lurking in the background of scenes, just out of focus. The man downstairs. He's a washed up, hollowed out caricature of a 1970s glam rocker and an absolute shell of a person, and whenever he's by himself you realize just how deeply fucking miserable he is. Everything is happening to him just as much as it's happening to the other characters.

"Perkins saw Longlegs as someone who didn't seek to do evil; he doesn't enjoy murder and mayhem but feels compelled to it...'He's as shabby and pathetic as possible, and that was just meant to make him a human being, a person, not a monster.' said Perkins...'A guy whose face is bad plastic surgery and white face makeup, that felt really scary to me, and it also felt sad to me, which was important. He's not the Hydra, he's a person who was presumably doing something else in his life before the devil tapped him on his shoulder and said 'it's time, you're now my secretary.''" (x)

I just really love how much depth and care has been put into his character, and I think the fact that I've been into 1960s and '70s music for so long, and know that so many of these musicians went on to lose their minds that the narrative of him being an ex-glam rocker just made him feel more real to me. The character is just really haunting, and Nicolas Cage gives such an amazing performance. I've always overlooked him as an actor because of the memes, but I'm tempted to dig into more of his movies as he's been in a few that I've really enjoyed lately (Renfield and The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent). And I will absolutely be watching everything else Oz Perkins has ever made.

I know there's been some backlash over the marketing of this movie, and that people feel that it's not "the scariest movie of the decade" as it's been advertised. Horror and what someone finds scary is so subjective and will depend entirely on the viewers own lived experiences, so blanket statements are never going to ring true for everyone. It's style is reminiscent of gothic horror literature, it's more about the insidious, carefully crafted atmosphere rather than jump scares or gore. I prefer that as I like horror that makes me think rather than watching something that just makes me sick. It might not work for everyone though, and that's okay! I just wish people could understand hyperbole and that it's not going to be marketed as anything less to sell those cinema tickets.

I also enjoy that this movie has gotten me listening to T. Rex, who I'd obviously heard of before but never paid any attention to. Although I've been very into that whole era of music for a long time, I always skipped over T. Rex mostly because I absolutely detest their song I Love To Boogie which is really overplayed in British media, but I've been listening to their earlier stuff on repeat and I absolutely love it! I'm actually a little embarrassed how long it's taken me to discover them honestly, they've got whimsical lyrics like Donovan, but with that glam rock beat. Incredible. New fave. Thank you Longlegs for not only being my favourite movie and bringing me out of my years long funk, but also introducing me to a new band.

I'm just sitting watching flowers in the rain

There's no place like London

The day after the Mika concert I traveled down to London, and for my actual birthday I went to see Next To Normal. Next to Normal is not a new show to me as an Aaron Tveit girlie (he originated the role of Gabe) but it IS my first time actually seeing the show and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity while it’s in London. Especially as it has Caissie Levy!!

Seeing this show was a bit of a strange experience for me personally, so I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say about it other than how good it was. And it is good, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard the cast are working each night, they all looked completely emotionally rung out by curtain call! It’s just a very difficult show for me to watch as I grew up with mental illness, grief, domestic abuse, and addiction in my household, and I suffer with C-PTSD and have attempted suicide in the past so it does hit a bit too close to home. But it was a very good show and I’m so glad I saw it! It did make me realise that usually theatre is an escape and that’s what’s so special about it for me, I like the fantasy and ridiculousness of musicals and this was a little too realistic for me and I think that's an important distinction to realise. Like I said I do know the show and knew what I was in for, but that’s why I don’t really have a lot to say about it but I still wanted to say look at this cool thing that I saw and enjoyed! And Caissie was even more incredible in real life - I know her as the first Elsa in the Broadway production of Frozen, but she’s was unfortunately off when I went to see it in New York (which isn’t a bad thing - I saw Charissa Hogeland instead who was amazing!) But it’s always great to see someone you’ve admired perform with your own eyes!

I spent most of my time in London shopping, which I used to feel bad admitting but I'm from London, I used to live there, so I'm really not interested in going to the tourist spots. Sometimes I like to go to a museum or art gallery, but mostly I just want to get stuff in person that I don't otherwise have access to at home. I was supposed to go to another Mika show on the second day and it's the whole reason I had two days there, but the night before I started to feel like maybe I didn't want to? And then there was a torrential downpour and standing in a wet muddy field was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, so I decided to skip it and hopefully I can get my money back for the ticket.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun in London! I didn't do much other than loiter around Covent Garden and Oxford Street, but I haven't been to London for a few months so I enjoyed looking around at a relaxed pace. There's lots of unique stationery stores, I enjoy spending time in the bookshops, and there's the only Disney Store left in the UK. I don't neccesserily buy much, I just like having a little look at everything.

I've heard of Choosing Keeping on YouTube from one of my favourite channels This Jo Journals, and every time I go to London I completely forget to check it out so I wrote it down this time so I wouldn't forget! It's a lot more central than I realised too. It's full of unique little stationery items, mostly Japanese or vintage styled ephemera, and I was enchanted. It could be so easy to lose myself and spend a fortune! I got a small pair of scissors, a ruler, and some stickers, but I'll definitely be back in the future now I know where it is.

I’ve been crying for so long, fighting tears just to carry on. But now, but now it’s gone away

Late 2018 up until the pandemic in 2020 were hands down the best 18 months of my life, and I rounded that time off by seeing Mika in Luxembourg and Utrecht in February 2020. Before then it hadn’t really occurred to me to travel abroad for a concert (which I know is a perfectly regular thing to do, it’s just not something I would do!) but I had missed Mika at his UK shows as I'd been at Disneyland Paris, and I was still riding the high of having gone to New York that summer to see Aaron Tveit in Moulin Rouge on Broadway - I realised that if I'd travelled across the globe for Broadway, then what’s a hop across the Channel for Mika? And I was determined to do as much as I could at that time as I was moving to Japan soon so wanted to make the most of things while they were available to me. And I'm glad I did have that mindset as looking back, I think that's why it was such an incredible time for me and Covid sure emphasised the importance of making the most of time while you have it.

Those Mika shows in 2020 were so joyful and still an experience I think back to often, so when I realised that he was playing two shows in the UK either side of my birthday this year it felt like serendipity. On my birthday in 2018 I had travelled between London and Birmingham to see Roger Waters (I was in my Pink Floyd era) and that was pretty much the start of my incredible 18 months, and as I’ve been in such a low place the past couple of years the way all of this seemed to be lining up into a similar chain of events made me feel a bit superstitious about the whole thing and like maybe it was a sign of things to come? Or it might at least help me to feel like my old self again.